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Guilt Of Surviving

When we face a stunning tragedy...after the first waves of shock and anger fade, we try to make sense of what happened. We ask ourselves, "Why did this happen to these innocent people? Why them and not me?"

We may ask the same questions when a child, spouse, parent, loved friend or family member dies.
We struggle to seek answers and understanding.

We question our own and others ideas about fate, faith, God, human nature, life, death and why things happen the way they do.
We look for blame, security and answers we may never have. We may suffer 'survivor's guilt'

Guilt often occurs in family members of loved ones, rescuers or those nearest the area of tragedy. Many repeatedly watch television or listen to the radio, absorbing the thousands of stories shared and told. We identify with those who were affected, injured, harmed or killed. We envision the fear, panic and bravery experienced. We weep with members of families, businesses, churches, mosques, and even other countries.

Survivor's Guilt may lead one to ask questions such as:
"It should have been me"
"I could have been in that building"
"I shouldn't laugh at anything now because others are so sad"
"I shouldn't be happy"
"If I had just stopped them from going on that plane"
"Who's to blame for what happened?"
"I'm no better than those that died"
"Why did they die? Why not me with all my problems and things I have done?"

It is not unusual to think of trading places with a person during the beginning stages of grief, following loss, shock and denial. No matter how illogical these thoughts may be, the feelings are quite real and distressing. Those who have these feelings may fear they will be criticized or even mocked if they express what they are thinking, and therefore, attempt to 'hold in' or conceal the feelings.

Many of these feelings, even though left unanswered, will dissipate after a period of time. But what about those people who already felt guilt or depression? They may be more likely to feel guilt due to pain that already exists in their lives.

What do you do to help?

1/Talk About It. Find someone who you know who will listen and allow you to express these feelings.

2/Count Your Blessings. Be thankful you were spared the degree of pain that others are experiencing. Look for the meaning in your life, how a trauma may bring to light your own gifts and skills which contribute to help others or ease their pain.

3/Turn To Your Faith. Many turn to God or to spiritual guidance when life puts unanswerable questions before us. Beliefs bring peace or quiet determination to make a positive difference.

4/Learn About Forgiveness. Forgive yourself for unresolved issues you may be harboring. Forgive others and let go of the desire to "fix" problems of others by exchanging your own life happiness in their place.

5/Address Past Issues Which Still Cause Pain. These issues may be due to loss of loved one, family member or friend, loss of job or security, prior major disappointments or crisis, unresolved anger or fear.

If feelings of guilt persist or if you become depressed or agitated, please seek help from a mental health professional, your physician, the clergy or a trusted friend.

Contributors to this article include professional counselors: Carol Walter and Clifton Fuller